Dear you,

You deserve better than that, you aren't some piece of trash that people can abuse when they want to. Your my best friend, you don’t do anyone any wrong. Your sweet, gorgeous, loving and precious, without you…I don’t know where I would be. You make my life better in so many ways dude.  That’s not right what happened, what pisses me off the most is that it happened to you. You are the last person in the universe who deserves that. Why life continuosly screws you over…I don’t know. But there is always a light, you’ve got amazing friends that love you and would and are going to kill for you if they ever track down those pathetic fucking assholes. I just hope you know that If you need us…all of your friends, especially me, I’m just a text away. I can be anywhere in  heartbeat, do anything I can. I never realized how much I love you dude, until tonight. And the fact that you were worried about giving me a ride! Jeezus! haha. I know one day you’ll read this and you’ll know its about you. I love you so very much and I always got your back. This didn’t need to happen to you. Fuck them. I hope they sober up, realize what they have done, and kill themselves then just because they xist I hope there is some kind of hell that they can go to. Fuck them.

What’s your deal?

Maybe it’s the change of seasons that I was so excited for yesterday, maybe it’s just being alone today, maybe it’s john coming home tomorrow. I don’t know what’s going on or why I feel like this. It’s not a good feeling, I’m very worried. My dreams are getting more ridiculous and vivid. And my thoughts grow more…anxious I guess? I thought I knew who I was, but it seems each day I forget a little bit more. I can sit and stare at something for hours and I know it’s mine, I know it belongs to me. But I just don’t really care, I don’t really want it to be mine and I don’t really value it’s memories. Then there will be times where I sit and anazlyze a moment in my life. I’ve probably gone through each and every memory I have doing that. And nothing makes sense.

Maybe John needs to come home, I just wish he would stay longer.

Living the life.

Summer is ending, fall is creeping up and I feel wonderful. I can’t wait for the memories that fall will bring, the time I will get to spend with my love, my friends, my family and at my job. Getting things done, and just enjoying life. Fall is so chill ya know? It’s just…nice, relaxing.

Life has been pretty amazing. I actually think this is the happiest I’ve been in a long, long, long time. But then again it could just be my clean room and the sun spilling in through the window while listening to an acoustic band that’s giving m this chill happy mood. Either way it’s nice, if only I could feel like this all the time. I have been hanging with Trish the past couple days, it’s been much needed. It’s that time where I realize that she is totally my best friend. I think this week when it’s super nice out we are going to get some coffee, go to a park and read books all day. That’s what I like about our friendship, things are just simple. I think things are gonna be getting better for her and me. She got a job at Jack in the Box, and maybe another one at coinstar/redbox. And I got my shit almost complete to start work, I just have to finish some paperwork, I gotta call thursday so tomorrow morning and find out when I go in for work! I’m super stoked! I just need to finish getting my GED now, and john’s coming back soon to teach me how to drive. I’m really excited, I actually have been having the urge to just drive around lately, just like…me time. These past couple days I have been in a odd state of mind though. Like, I would really like me time, but I don’t want to b alone. But at the same time, like…I’ve never been happier with my life… I know that a huge decision is going to have to be made soon, but I’ll leave it alone for as long as I can. This is the time in my life where I live.

Friend application.

I am looking for someone to fill the position as a new friend, good quality hangout friend. Someone who won’t ditch me for other friends, and if you do have a group of other friends, invite me out once in a while, I need someone who can always be there for me. And likes jack in the box and late nights running the streets. I need a friend who isnt new to partying their ass off, but doesn’t like to do it too often. Someone who won’t fall in love or want to have sex with me. I need a friend who I can text total nonsense too and they will totally get it. And someone who is in a relationship that way I don’t get ditched for guys or your old ex gf. I need someone who likes to go to local shows of all sorts and is open to new experiences. Oh and you must be between the ages of 18 and 20. Also, drama queens will not be accepted.

 

IF you fit these qualifications please feel free to email me your name and number so we can meet and hang.

Interesting.

I’m not sure how to start this. I’ve tried to set the right mood, but  no matter where I go, what I turn on, or how I’m sitting I just don’t feel it. Maybe because It’s a hard subject to write about, maybe because I’m not ready to write about it. But either way, changes are going to be made, and for the better. This blog is a little different then most. I will be covering every aspect of my life and how I’m going to change it. This is more for me then for my readers, either way, it just needs to get out. This week has really opened my eyes.

My friends, I have a lot of friends. But I have come to realize that I’m growing apart from everyone. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m no fun to be around, or maybe I’m too much fun, or maybe they are more mature than me, or maybe I have come to be more mature than them. I’m not sure but I guess it’s time to be on my own socially. Which sucks because I love being around people. I think that new friends are a must. I just need to find people that bring out the good in me. I mean, I still love and hope to hang out with my old friends but I mean I cant stop the inevitable I know everyone grows apart at some time.

Family, my family is fucked, were screwed, we have shit in our past. I cant tell if I just want things to be normal, or if I want to keep as much space as possible. Or maybe a little of both. I want things to be normal, I would really like that, and I know that there is a lot I would have to do on my part. But, I want more than anything to be on my own because It seems that every little thing that they help me with is the one thing that keeps me from going much further. The one little thing they help me with turns out being “all the shit I help you with and do for you” I just wish people would step back and look at themselves and see how ridiculously stupid they can be. Maybe that’s not the right thing to say but that’s exactly how I feel.

My lover. Everything is going amazing here. I love this man more than I could love anything or anyone. He is my entire world. My universe, the one person that I know will always be there. I have really realized how much I love this man, and every day, I fall in love with him just a little more. And it’s an amazing feeling. I love that it’s not “if” were going to get married its not “if” we live together it’s not “if” we grow old together. It’s when. and it’s coming. Johns almost done with school, I got a job. We can finally start the life we have been looking forward too. Absolutely nothing needs to change here. <3

Work. I’m going to put my all into this job. I am so excited to start, so excited to finally have an income so I can start saving for John and I’s life. And I’m very excited to work at Spencer’s. I like Spencer’s because I don’t have to be someone I’m not, I don’t have to dress like a business women, I can keep my piercing. I mean I know I still have to act professional, but that’s just having respect and being responsible, I do that anyway. Either way, I’m excited to be apart of the team. Even if just about everyone there would rather work at Hot Topic (which frankly I don’t see why).

Driving, I’m so excited to finally learn, my nana has told me that she is going to take me out and teach me a little something. And so Is john, I just have to get my permit back from Justin Which I’m doing tomorrow when I go check out Justin and Matt’s new apartment. I’m really excited, this job is exactly what I needed to be motivated to actually start my life.

GED, Since I got a job, I’m not going back to highschool, I’m  going to continue trying to get my GED with the help of some friends and a math tutor. I’m going to call up on it tomorrow.

Basically whats changing is the mental growing up part. It’s time I make the transition to partial mentality of an adult to full. I mean I still plan on having fun and going to shows of all kinds and still having fun. I just need to focus more on my responsibilities. Oh and this weekend, I’m getting an ipod. I’m stoked. I had to sell my last one because I really needed the money.

Thanks for reading and following. I get about 200-400 views on this thing everyday So I know someone out there is reading and can relate. I wish you the very best.

Spencer’s: My lucky store.

So, Yeah,

Guess who got a job.
This chick RIGHT HERE!

Now guess where at.

…

…

I’m waiting.

YOU GUESSED RIGHT! At Spencers! I’m so stoked! I'm going to do so well there I just know it! The people seem so nice, and it will certainly push me to continue on getting life moving Now Instead of going back to school I’m going to get my GED and John’s going to teach me to drive! I’m so excited! Life is going so amazing! I re-connected with my father, and I’m involved in the music scene more than EVER! (check out my “Music to my ears” for a new band) John and I, are relationship is great and I’m just all around ahppy right now! I feel  a change in me, a very good change. Especially recently. Sometihng to make me a better person. I’ve rekindled a lot of old friendships. Now all I have to do is carry on and see where life takes me!

Dear life, you are so awesome right now!

I feel amazing.
And  NO im not on drugs!

Haha, I seriously feel awesome though. Yesterday was a bit of a drag but today was better, I actually talked with a lot of people via facebook and made new connections, made plans and guess what! there is a rave EVERYWEEKEND this month, I'm making it a routine to dance everynight too! that way i can shed some weight and wear a really cute outfit to these things!
I'm working on a ton of projects right now and i'd like to tell you about some of them!
1. My rave outfits, I am finding ways to alter my lingerie so I can wear them! All of them i am sportin my tiara with because I am a PRINCESS!
2. gonna be starting a new blog based on the music scene here, there is a lot of talent that goes unnoticed. So i want to help em out!
3. Going to be working on some business cards and a logo for  a venue thats opening this weekend!
4. Im going to make some "Candy" and 5. work on johns stuff.
Ok so i guess its not that much. But its enough.

A lot of people i have noticed come to me for resources, i have never realy noticed how much i am the "go to girl" for musicians of all kinds. It's kinda awesome, and i have also realized how many hidden talents i have, like the dancing, i mean i have been dancing since i was about 11 in my room in front of the mirror and i was always embarrassed to dance in front of people, but i really feel confident in it now, like I KNOW im good and i know I look good, HUGE self esteem boost!

Theres a rave every weekend this month and john is coming with me to one. im stoked for him to try it out, i think he'll like it...


maybe.

Something I am worried about though...is the ex that shall not be named. I remembered that he sometimes went to these things. Not sure if he does anymore. I just hope he doesnt, but if he does. I'm going to dance my ass off, look hella hot, and not even give him a glance or a milli second of attention.   I am also hoping that john becomes comfortable with the guys i go with and maybe allows me to dance with them. But then again, i would be angry if he danced with a girl like that...so i can see where hes coming from. anyway life is good im staying busy and being intensly creative! If you wanna see my dancing check out the youtube! the link should be somewhere -------> over here on the side thing!

My first rave! (and other rants)

Been diggin this song! Listen to it!!! It’s just awesome!

So, last night I went to my first rave. It was very cool, definitely something I would do again and again. At first I was REALLY self conscience to dance. But then I just decided to say fuck it and dance my heart out, FOUR of my exes were there! wait…no…three! All in which I still talk to and were friends and shit. I think my favorite part of the night was when I was outside and then I heard Skrillex’s song “Rock n roll (Will take you to the mountain)” I RAN inside and danced my ass off. It was soo much fun. I was told that I did pretty damn good for my first time dancing haha. One of my good guy friends and I danced too, it was pretty fun, we definitely rocked the floor for a good 4 minutes everyone clapping for us and shit. Trish came with me, but ended up leaving.which was sad. I also ran into A LOT of old friends. So I rekindled some old friendships, everyone there was extremely nice. The music was good too, but I prefer dancing to songs I know just because the movements arent so random and unexpected, I like to know whats ahead.

I don’t know why, but when I left the rave and got home, I really felt bad about going. Like, I didn’t tell john much about it, just the basics really, but I didn’t tell him all the super fun stuff. Maybe its because we were both tired…idk. But, I’m going to keep going to raves just to dance, I figured, it’s a good way to lose weight and maybe relieve some stress too.

So now that I had my awesome party night, its time to get back down to business. I kinda feel like im back at square one. I’m gonna go get my shots, and try one more week to get a job. I hear the walmart closest to me is hiring like everyone who applies! so im going to try that.

Oh, and I really really really love john. Very much.

Sobriety is a bitch.

I Have been listening to this song non stop. Check it.

Sobriety.  There’s two different kinds. Theres the kind in which you just look at life around you and go, “ OH SHIT! I need to wake the fuck up and DO something.” and then theres the kind when you sober up from alcohol (Alkaboooooze) and/or Drugs and just wanna sleep the day away.

 

I am suffering from both at the moment. I’m actually quite torn in half. I wanna party. I wanna live the ultimate life. And I have had every chance to do so. I want to go out, I want to not have a care in the world for one night and during this night, I want to not remember what I did the next day. I want to let loose. This is a big reason why I don’t want kids. They suck, they stop you from sexy time, they make you fat, they are TERRIBLE things.

This past week I have been intoxicated everyday and just sat back and listened to dubstep, I sat there and I believe every thought that could possibly come through my mind did. I thought about everything and what I really want.  I thought about this glamorous party life I could have, the trips I could take with the rock stars I meet, the news headlines I could make. I could easily attain fame by association, hell maybe even get my own reality show.

And then theres the life that is more…responsible. The life where I have the basics, I get my high school diploma, can drive and work at a store for a year and a half and then go to spokane to live with john. But just because it’s the rest of my life with john, it all seems worth it. To throw away all the possible partying, the care freeness, everything.

Right now, I’m definitely stuck in between worlds. When john’s not here in town, I hang out with my friends Trish and Vaughn (Below) and we always have a good time, we usually just linger to parks. Bored. But still we always have a good time. The chances that Trish and I usually have to party it up we do, and usually the night ends in pointless conversations with guys who wish I was single. I never get crazy if Johns not there.

 

Anyway, Trish and I tomorrow are going to our first Rave? Electronica show? I’m not sure which it is. but I’m excited for the turnout. It should be fun, a lot of my friends are going. I’ll post a pic to how I dress up. nothing too racy, probably just a pink tank with some short ass shorts. haha, ass shorts.

 

Back on the subject of two worlds though, It’s like, Im postponing everything in the responsible world just to have one last hurrah in the party world. But that one last hurrah hasn’t came yet. Maybe it will tomorrow. Maybe not. Either way, next week I’m getting back down to business. Im scared. but…I think im more afraid of becoming an adult. I don’t want to let go quite yet, I don’t have any safety nets below me anymore.

In other news: My youtube sucks because I cant figure out how to upload videos where the audio is synced up with the video.

I got a new sketchbook.

I love dubstep.

And I had a really fucking cool interview, and I really hope I hear back from them.

Hello World.

Oh yeah, hey, it’s the world again! I took a break from blogging because my boyfriend came down for a week! It was pretty awesome. A lot has happened in the past week. John came home, I had a interview somewhere awesome! Found a new fixation…and john one too! haha. Getting ready to take off atm. Trish And I are going to go do something awesome.

So first of all I had a interview at Spencers, It went VERY well, I’m looking to hear back from them. I’m excited, I need to call them though and change the number haha. Johns phone completely broke, Like BLAM everywhere. not really, but that would be cool if it did explode. The only thing he can do is receive calls, its sad and we have had a hell of a time trying to replace it.

I still havent got my shots. I know, I suck. It’s cool though, I’ll get to it. I gotta get going but I’ll blog more tonight  

 

OH, And I have found dubstep. And it makes me oh so happy.